October 8, 2005
More than twenty years ago, I saw a plaque at a flea market, and I am just now ‘getting’ what it said.
No, this is not a ‘blonde’ joke.
The hand-painted plaque read, “I would rather be 40 than pregnant.” It was the hottest-selling item at one of the booths at our county fair, but I just did not understand.
I was 37, pregnant for the second time, and completely delirious with the thought of the new baby on the way. I hoped there would be more babies, too, because my oldest was growing up fast.
That flea market plaque might as well have been written in a completely unintelligible language as far as I was concerned. I had no idea how anyone could possibly think such a thing. If fact, I once wrote an entire column on the subject of the joys of pregnancy and bringing home the new baby!
Now, more than two decades later, I completely understand why one would rather be 40 than pregnant, and I most certainly will not go into all those reasons here!
There are days now when I cannot accurately remember breakfast, so it is possible I might have forgotten how I felt then.
No matter, I have that old column, written in 1983, to remind me what it was like bringing home a new baby.
At the time, I astutely, wrote in my column that only new parents can really appreciate what happens when a new baby arrives. The thought that grandparents might possible know a thing or two about babies never entered my head.
Comedian Rita Rudner understood though. She used to tell young adults in her comedy club audiences, “I’m trying to decide whether or not to have children, my time is running out. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”
Back then, I honestly did not think we would need much help. We had a delightfully ‘laid-back’ baby. After all, that little boy was angelic in the hospital.
“What good fortune!” we thought.
Mercifully, one of the grandmas came to help. We were surprised that it took all three of us to manage one tiny infant. I am guessing grandma already knew that.
No sooner than night fell, as you might expect, that angelic baby turned into the exact opposite.
Our first two night’s home, he cried nonstop from 9 p.m. until 3 a.m. During the day, he would not sleep for more than two hours at a stretch. With both parents and grandma working at this, none of us managed to put together more than three hours sleep at a time.
I had not experienced this with the first child, so I was mystified.
We began to try anything in the name of sleep!
Any old wives’ tale would do. Anything that brought a ray of hope to help the baby sleep was acted upon immediately—keep the baby’s feet warm, place a warm water bottle on his tummy, mix 7-up and water and offer between feedings, try a pacifier, or do not, under any circumstances, use a pacifier,
Zip. All to no avail.
Soon, we came to understand why it is said that a baby’s crying is like standing 3 feet from a jackhammer, the same decibel level!
In no time at all, I also learned why sleep deprivation can cause strange behavior in new parents. I found myself burning the garlic bread for dinner and running the washing machine empty.
Finally, in desperation on the third day, I called the nurse at the pediatrician’s office for help. She summed up my situation, “They call times like these ‘the arsenic hours’. The only trouble is that you can’t decide whether to give it or take it!”
Well, I laughed for the first time in days, and we went about figuring out what was to be done for that sleepless baby.
Now, I clearly understand the paradox involved here.
Today, it is a downright, wonderful thing to be over 40 and not be pregnant, just as it was a wonderful thing to be pregnant years ago and not be 40.
Oddly, though, I still find myself burning the garlic bread and forgetting to put the clothes in the washing machine long after I have started it.
Some behavior in life just cannot be explained away by hormones or lack of sleep.
Am I left with blaming my forgetful actions on aging?
Never! I will call it AADD (adult attention deficit disorder).
Doesn’t everyone have that these days anyway?
